Love Yourself
by Pachamama9
Summary: Ernie struggles to keep his trauma from the War a secret from his Muggle boyfriend. Two-shot.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Ernie Macmillan, after the Battle of Hogwarts, dates a Muggle named Baz and struggles to keep his magical past a secret._

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing._

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Ernie didn't usually invite his dates inside of his flat. He wasn't ashamed of it or anything like that; actually, he wasn't exactly sure why he had never done it. He supposed... This was his safe place, and he hated when he felt like his privacy was being invaded. His current boyfriend, Baz, was different than the rest, so after countless dates and meetings at Baz' flat, Ernie knew he had to offer. Now, Baz was inside his flat , and he was examining the art on the wall with what Ernie hoped was genuine interest, not disgust. "You draw these?" Baz asked, pointing particularly to one of a coyote howling to the moon.

Ernie nodded, practically wringing his shirt out with his hands. "Yeah."

Baz noticed his boyfriend's anxiety and turned to him, smiling and touching his hand. "There's no need to be nervous, Ernie," he told him. "There's nothing you could do that would make me run away from you." He winked. "Unless you've got a pile of dead bodies in the basement or garbage bags full of your toenails in the closet, then I think we're good."

Baz's words always made Ernie feel more...safe. He grinned. "What about dead bodies in the backyard? Is that okay?"

Baz laughed, and Ernie nearly melted. Baz's laugh was contagious and sounded like a dying monkey, but it always made Ernie smile. "Not quite," he responded. He slung his arm around Ernie's shoulders and kissed his cheek. "You want to watch a movie or something?"

They ended up watching an old thriller they'd both already seen but still sent goosebumps all along Ernie's arms. When Ernie jumped, Baz pulled him in closer. "I've got you," he whispered in his ear, and Ernie relaxed a bit more as Baz wrapped his arms around him. Before he knew it, Baz was asleep, his deep, steady breaths lulling Ernie to stay. Ernie regretted staying in his boyfriend's arms for the night, but eventually gave in and succumbed to a peaceful night.

Ernie woke when he felt Baz begin to stir behind him. They had both moved a bit from their spots on the floor where they had fallen asleep underneath a pile of three or four blankets, but not much. Ernie mumbled something about getting up and getting some breakfast but Baz whispered, "Stay."

It was a plead that Ernie could not ignore. He turned over on the floor so that he was facing his boyfriend, and Baz's hand touched his chin. He tilted his jaw a bit and then they were kissing, Ernie's mouth pressed against his, the both of them barely awake enough at the beginning but then having come alive with happiness. Baz smiled against his lips and rolled on top of him, kissing him even harder, his hands traveling over Ernie's face and shoulders and chest, and soon he was lifting the hem of Ernie's shirt and his fingers were sliding above his belt, past his hip, and Ernie jerked away so fast that Baz barely had any time to react.

Ernie was standing now, pulling his shirt down as far as it would go and still breathing hard. His hands were trembling, shaking as he ran his fingers through his hair.

Baz sat up straight, wide awake now. "Are you—did I do something—are you okay?"

"Fine—fine—fine," Ernie said, and his legs were trembling as well. Ernie put one foot in front of the other and began to open his mouth as if to say something else, but then closed it.

"Ernie, did I—did I do something? What—" He reached for his boyfriend, standing now, and the blonde flinched. "Ernie..." Baz then realized what it was that Ernie was so frightened of. When Baz's hand had slid underneath his shirt, his fingers had touched something; the skin of his back was not smooth. The section that Baz had reached had had raised lines on it, and... "Ernie?"

"Yes?" His voice was barely a whisper.

Baz stepped closer to him, and he backed up against the wall, still not making eye contact with his boyfriend. Baz, concerned, said, "Let me see your back."

"No." This one-word answer was sharper than the rest, definitive and firm.

"You've seen me shirtless, Ernie. It's just the same."

"It's not," he snapped, and then he adjusted his shirt again. "I think you should go."

"Ernie, just tell me what's going on. I don't mind, really. Nothing you say could make me—"

"I can't," he choked out, and Baz realized how close his boyfriend was to tears. "I...can't."

"Ernie, honestly, I—"

"No!" Ernie cried, and then he clapped a hand over his mouth. His whole body was shaking. "No. Leave, please. Just... Just leave. Please."

His words were all broken and scattered like his emotions seemed to be. "Ernie—"

"Please."

So Baz slid on his socks and shoes and did as Ernie asked.

Ernie spent the next few hours in the bathroom, cradling himself and crying. No one had seen those scars since they had been inflicted on him at the Battle of Hogwarts. He could remember it very clearly. He had been part of a failed D.A. mission to break into the dungeon; he had been the only one caught.

 _Ernie soon learned that Alecto Carrow did not care much for physical pain. Her brother did. It was just his luck that Amycus had been the one to snatch Ernie up by the collar and drag him inside the very dungeons he had been trying to break into. He was chained by his wrists to the wall like many of the other students in the dungeon, although his chains were lower. He was kneeling on the ground, his forearms completely pressed up against the cold stone of the wall and his knees sinking into a pool of blood belonging to the previous victim. Amycus was screaming... "You think you know better, stupid boy? You think that punishment is something to be taken lightly, Macmillan?"_

 _Ernie also learned that Amycus took his punishments very seriously that day. His Dark Arts professor pulled out something from behind him; something that made a slightly satisfying noise as it slid and slapped against the floor. "Macmillan, you're going to learn what punishment is today." Ernie knew that sound; he had heard it rip screams and sobs from even the strongest of students. "And you're going to think twice about crossing my sister or me ever again."_

 _Amycus Carrow didn't even give him a warning before the whip landed on his back, tearing the flesh open so that Ernie's blood joined the blood on the floor..._

Ernie could not tell Baz even if he wanted to. It was illegal in the Wizarding world; it was clearly stated in the International Statute of Secrecy. Baz, once he saw the long scars littering Ernie's back, would think him a charity case, a masochist, or a psychopath. This was the main reason why Ernie had some of a preference to dating wizards. If Ernie ever got to a point where he felt comfortable to show said wizard his scars, then it would be easy to explain what had happened. However, although he and Baz were at the point where Ernie wanted to take it a step further, he couldn't show Baz his back. He had refused to go swimming with Baz and another couple only a month ago when they had been invited, for Ernie would not have been able to explain why the flesh of his back and the skin of his shoulders was mostly scar tissue. It made him feel lonesome and isolated, but there was nothing he could do. He couldn't bear keeping it a secret from him, but it was necessary.

Ernie loved Baz. He daydreamed about marrying him one day, although he supposed he had done that with any boyfriend or crush he'd had. Ernie wanted to tell him everything: about how he'd been shoved into a war at seventeen years old and whipped within an inch of his life for attempting to save students from being tortured to within an inch of theirs. He wanted to tell Baz how he woke up drenched in sweat some nights because he saw Amycus's face and the whip and he got so scared that he had to call Anthony Goldstein in the middle of the night so that he could reassure him that he was safe. He wanted to tell Baz about how he never wore that polyester underwear because it irritated the lowest of his scars or that he never wore shorts even on the hottest of days because Amycus Carrow had caned him until he bled after he'd made a comment about their own blood status...

 _This time Ernie was hovering above the dungeon floor, chained to the ceiling, his toes not even brushing the ground. He screamed and cried again as the cane landed on his lower thighs. The very humiliation of the ordeal... Oh, Ernie didn't want anyone to ever see... "Please, p-please, I'm sorry, sorry, I—"_

 _"Shut your mouth, Macmillan!"_

 _Ernie screamed as the cane landed on already open wounds, and he tried to become lost in his own mind, but every time he was struck, the pain woke him from his stupor..._

He wanted to tell Baz that the scar on his lip was from when he'd nearly bitten through it while under the Cruciatus Curse for nearly all of his Muggle Studies class because they needed a half-blood to test it out on. He wanted to open up his heart to the younger man and tell him all that had happened to him. But this was why he almost exclusively dated those with magical blood; he could not speak as openly with Baz as he had been able to with his past boyfriend, a wizard named Bertram. He wished that magical blood ran through Baz's veins. He wished that he had never dated a Muggle in the first place; he had known when Baz had first asked him out that he would get to this point... This points where he could not remove his shirt without lying. But when he had seen the younger man and his beautiful green eyes and his mocha skin and curly hair and listened to him talk, making everyone in the room burst into laughter... He had fallen in love.

It took Ernie about a week to ring up his boyfriend again, and when he did, Baz answered on the first ring. "Yes?"

He could not get a single word out of his mouth. It was as if Baz's very presence took his words away.

"Ernie?" Right. Caller ID. Obviously, Baz knew it was him. Ernie could not just hang up and pretend that the call had never happened.

"I—" Ernie cut himself off. He had barely made a sound.

"Ernie? You there?"

He stared at the floor, his mouth opening and closing like a fish. "I—" He couldn't. He was too much of a coward and he loved Baz too much. He couldn't bear to break it off with him.

"Ernie, if this is about what happened, then I don't want you to worry about it, yeah? We'll work it out, love, I know we will. I'm not going to pressure you into doing anything you don't want to—"

"Can you come over?"

Baz, through his silence, seemed startled by the sudden voice that came forth through the telephone. Ernie had been surprised himself as well. "Well—yeah, of course. When do you want me?"

"Now," Ernie said quickly. "Please."

"Of course. See you in ten, yeah?"

"Yeah," he whispered back, and then he hung up.

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 _A/N: Thanks for reading! Next chapter coming soon._

 _Challenges used:_

 _365 Prompts - #248 (restriction) no more than two people in story_

 _Fanfiction Writing Month: November [1936]_

 _Are You Crazy Enough To Do It Challenge - #109 (character) Ernie Macmillan_

 _If You Dare Challenge - #95 (lonesome)_

 _The Golden Snitch - Through The Universe - #199 (Van Allen Belts) - (object) belt_

 _The Golden Snitch - Ollivander's Wand Shop - Minerva McGonagall - Fir - Write about a survivor._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Next and final chapter, guys. Maybe I'll write about these guys in another fic, but this is it for_ Love Yourself _. Thanks to everyone who reviewed, favorited, followed!_

 _Disclaimer: I own nothing._

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Ernie spent the entirety of his ten minutes pacing back and forth in front of the door, mentally scolding himself for doing this. He tried to keep a steady pace to calm himself, but he only managed to increase his panic, frantically moving to each side with anxious steps. When Baz answered the door, dressed in a pale yellow V-neck and dark jeans, Ernie shakily reached for the handle. "Hey," he said, and Baz smiled.

"Hey, yourself. I brought you some..." Baz held up a small white paper bag. "It's fudge. You like the caramel ones, right?"

Baz always knew how to make Ernie feel better. "Y-yeah," he said, surprised. "Yeah, I do. Do you want to—" He gestured inside.

Soon they were both inside of the flat and Ernie was yet again faced with a decision: show him or break it off. He swallowed, shoving his hands as deep into his pockets as they would go.

Baz, concerned, ducked a little so that he could meet his eyes. "Did you—did you want to tell me something?"

Ernie nodded.

"About...what?"

He closed his eyes for a good ten seconds, swaying on his feet. Soon the words were spilling from his lips faster than he could stop them— "I've never—never shown anyone this," he said, and it was true. The morning when he had returned to his dormitory from been flogged, he had Healed himself. He had dragged himself, nearly unconscious from the pain and blood loss, all the way to the bathroom, where he had locked the door and turned on the bath. He had woken up in a scary pool of his own blood and crawled to the tub, the cool water kissing his hot, wounded skin. He hadn't wanted anyone to see his back. Hannah Abbott had left a Blood-Replenishing Potion, some Murtlap Essence, and basic medical equipment outside the door, for she had known that the whip had been coated with Dark magic and would not be easily fixed. She had begged him to allow her to help him, but delirious in his shame and pain, he had refused. He had wrapped white cloth around himself and worn thick layers of bandages beneath his clothing for weeks after. The wounds had not truly healed until nearly a year after the occurrence, and still pained him to this day.

"I—I—I—" It soon became clear to Ernie that he could not explain his experience in words, so he faced the wall, reminded violently of the time when he had been forced against the wall by Amycus and shackled to it— He stopped his train of brutal thought and extended his arm behind his back and reached for the collar of his T-shirt.

"Ernie—" Baz began, but Ernie kept going. He gripped it and pulled it over his head, revealing his most precious secret to his most precious person. He heard the younger man's breath halt in its tracks— "Sweet Jesus." —and then flinched as a cold hand touched his shoulder. "Ernie," he said, his name like a question. "Who—who—what happened?"

Ernie shrugged. His head was down now, weighed down with the guilt of what had happened.

"Did someone—who—" Baz's finger traced the leftmost scar; a long one that had torn deep into the muscle of his shoulder and curled around his side like a backwards C. "Ernie... Were you—" For once, his smooth-talking, confident boyfriend could not find the words to express what he wanted to say. "Who did this to you?"

Ernie shrugged again. Surely, if he opened his mouth, then the truth would come exploding from his lips.

Both of Baz's hands were on him now, outlining each and every scar the lined his back. "What—how did this—were you...were you abused?"

The question shocked Ernie, although it seemed like a reasonable guess. He shook his head.

"Then how—was it on purpose? Did someone...did someone—"

"No, no..." Ernie didn't know how to explain it.

"When did this—when did it happen?"

"I was seventeen," he whispered, and Baz reeled in shock.

"You—what? How? Who?"

Ernie hadn't realized that he'd been crying this whole time.

"Oh, Ernie, love, please don't... Oh, please... Don't cry, please don't cry. Ernie..." Baz kissed his shoulder, his hands on either of Ernie's upper arms. "You're okay, you're alright, you'll be fine..."

Ernie's head was in his hands, covering up his face and his tears as he tried to suppress them. His crying was stranger than most; he cried loudly, with hiccups and sobs lining every word and throwing his body forwards. It made his extremities tremble, and when he tried to tell Baz that he was sorry that he couldn't explain, it came out as, "Baz—oh—please, oh—oh, please, forgive—I can't—oh, Baz..." Each word or two was isolated between his sobs. Soon he was trapping himself in his arms and hyperventilating, barely able to breathe, not knowing why he'd put himself in this situation—surely Baz hated him now, hated his scars like Ernie himself hated them...oh, Merlin, what had he done?

Ernie was on his knees now, keeling over, barely able to suck in a breath, his head spinning and tears still coming... Then Baz was in front of him and his arms were around him and he was assuring him, holding him, cradling him, saying, "You're okay, you're okay, Ernie, everything's okay now, love, you're just fine, shhh..."

Soon Ernie was calm again and his face was pressed into Baz's chest, relishing in the comfort and safety of his arms, and Baz stopped rocking him and was speaking again. "Ernie? You okay now?"

He nodded.

"You want me to let go?"

He shook his head. "Just hold me," he whispered, and Baz nodded in response. He held the wizard in his arms, and Ernie clutched him like a lifeline for a silent, shaky minute or two. He knew then that he had to tell Baz the truth. "Baz?"

"Yes, love?" His voice reverberated through Ernie.

"I..."

"You want to tell me what happened?"

He nodded into his yellow shirt like a small child afraid to confess having broken something to his mother. He sat up, releasing himself from Baz's comforting arms. Baz crossed his legs and sat in front of him, trying to read his boyfriend's expression. Ernie kept his eyes on his hands. "I-I-I—" He stopped himself again. What was he so afraid of?

"We'll just start simple, Ernie," Baz assured him, "okay? No worries, yeah?"

His voice, soft and gentle, induced a nod from Ernie. "Okay."

"If you don't want to answer something, you just let me know, okay? I'm not going to force you to tell me, okay?"

"Okay."

Baz took a deep breath. "Can you tell me what made those scars?"

"It...I..." He was wringing his hands, twisting his ring over and over again over his index finger so that it made a small red mark around it. "A..." He barely spoke the last word. "Whip."

"Someone whipped you?"

"I...yeah."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Baz noticed what Ernie was doing with his ring and reached for his boyfriend's hands, interlacing their fingers. "Why?"

"Because...because I...I was being punished."

"For what?"

"I...I didn't..." Ernie took a deep breath, using Baz's beautiful hands as his outlet. "I tried to save someone."

"And you were punished for that?"

"Yeah."

"Was it a family member?"

"No." His family had all been dead by that point; killed by other Death Eaters and one of the Carrows themselves.

"A boyfriend? Girlfriend?"

"No."

"An adult?"

Ernie was hit with a pang of emotion that he couldn't recognize. He squeezed his eyes shut. "Yes."

"Friend of the family? Uncle, something like that?"

He shook his head. Again, no family.

"Teacher?"

Ernie didn't know what to say, so he just slowly nodded, his throat closing painfully at the memory. His vision blurred with tears, and he tried to scrape them all away.

"Oh, god, Ernie..."

He shrugged, trying to brush off his boyfriend's obvious shock. "It...it was normal. It was nothing, really. This is—this is stupid, I'm sorry—"

"Don't you dare apologize for this, Macmillan," he snapped, and Ernie flinched.

"Please, please," he whispered, and he was curling in on himself as if he could throw a Disillusionment charm on himself. "Please, don't—"

"Jesus, Ernie, I didn't mean to scare you, I just—oh, god, Ernie, I'm sorry..."

All Ernie could hear was his last name ringing in his ears... Macmillan, Macmillan, Macmillan...

"Macmillan, get up here right now," his teacher snapped, and twenty pairs of eyes to look at him. He didn't move. "Macmillan!" She never called him by his first name.

Ernie, head bowed, tried to ignore the fact that the pool of blood from the lifeless student in the front of the room had spread to where he was standing and answered, "Yes, Professor?"

"Don't get smart with me, boy," she told him, and she waved her wand, seizing him by his throat with an invisible hand and raising him slowly in the air. She was not in the mood to negotiate punishments. Ernie clawed at the hand, his throat closing, prickles of sensation running over his neck. "Was it you?"

"Wha—don't—can't," he choked out, realizing that he could not remove something that was not there. He was scraping at his own neck and leaving long red marks in his own skin.

"Answer me, Macmillan!"

His eyes rolled back into his head; he could not breathe.

"Answer me!"

Ernie was crying again, stumbling to the side, having lost his balance due to the sudden memory. He was on the floor on his hands and knees and Baz was trying to comfort him. "Jesus, Ernie, I didn't mean—are you—oh, god, Ernie, did I—what did I do? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me..."

Ernie managed to calm himself enough to tell him. "I..." He sniffed again, trying to rid his face of its chaotic look. He rubbed his raw eyes. "They only used—when they punished me...they only my last name."

"Ernie, I'm sorry, I didn't know, I'm sorry—"

"I know. It's...it's not your fault."

"I just...they? There was more than one?" He nodded. "Oh, god, Ernie, how did this happen?"

This was the point where Ernie had to make a choice: betray the magical world or tell Baz everything. This was why he shouldn't have dated a Muggle—this was why he should never had said yes to Baz—this was why he should never have opened up this much—

"Ernie?"

"There was a war," he said, his first true word about his back.

"What?"

"A war," he repeated. Although he could clearly sense Baz's confusion, he continued. "Death Eaters took over the school and they killed Dumbledore. Snape took over as headmaster and they—they put the Carrows in charge of punishment. They changed everything. They started torturing kids in detention and putting kids in the dungeons when they wouldn't obey."

"Death—Dumble—Carrow—torture—what?"

"There was this group of kids we called Dumbledore's Army. I was one of 'em."

"Ernie—hold on. I don't understand, what—"

Ernie had no plan to stop. "We set up missions around the school to recruit more kids, get their spirit going. We didn't want to give in. The Carrows had put a bunch of kids in the dungeon the day before for stupid things, really, but they'd had 'em all chained up to the ceiling without food or nothing'. We'd heard them screaming and we knew we couldn't just sit there while the Carrows tortured 'em. the D.A. got together with a plan to break them out." Ernie was twisting his ring again. "She—we—they found us trying to break in to the dungeon and everyone ran." His chest grew tight with emotion. "I was the only one who got caught."

"The...Ernie, wait—"

His voice was hollow. "They took me into the dungeon and chained me to the wall. They told me that it was a stupid decision, a suicidal decision to break into the dungeon, and that I had to learn my lesson, and..." His voice cracked. "They tortured me." Baz opened his mouth to talk but Ernie cut him off again. "Oh, Baz, you don't understand—th-th-they tortured me. They whi-whipped me until I couldn't—I didn't think I had any skin on my back left..." He was sobbing again, and Baz didn't hesitate to take him into his arms again. "It hurt so bad, Baz, i didn't—there was so much blood, I was there for so long, so long... oh, Baz, I couldn't seem to die in there—why didn't I die in there?"

"Ernie, don't—"

"No, Baz, please, I just—I didn't—I wanted to die, it hurt so bad. I wanted to die."

For once, Baz was quiet. "These...people," he said finally. "The Carrows? Who are they? Teachers?"

"Yeah. Brother and sister."

"And they...they're the ones who...who whipped you?"

"Yeah."

"And what was this...this war?"

"Second Wizarding War," Ernie said simply. "Resurrection of Lord Voldemort."

"Wizard—lord—what? Ernie, you're not making any sense."

"You think I'm making this up."

"No, no, love, I don't—"

"You think I'm a nutter."

"No, no, of course not. Ernie, look at me." Ernie raised his head and the way he looked at Baz shattered him. In his eyes... There was no possible way he could be lying. The look that Ernie held behind his eyelids could only have been created by a war. "I know you wouldn't lie to me, yeah? That's probably why you had a hard time telling me, right?"

Ernie didn't understand why Baz was taking it so well. "Yeah."

"Well, then, let's start from the beginning, okay?" he suggested. "Then I can really understand what's going on."

"But—"

"And then," Baz interrupted, placing his finger over Ernie's lips, "maybe then I can help you learn to love yourself."

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 _A/N: I love happy endings. Hopefully, you guys liked it! Let me know what you think!_

 _Challenges used:_

 _Fanfiction Writing Month: November []_

 _If You Dare Challenge - #422 (Steady Pace)_

 _Are You Crazy Enough To Do It Challenge - #402 (restriction) Golden Trio era WITHOUT one of the Golden Trio appearing_

 _The Golden Snitch - Through The Universe - Fred Weasley - 14 inch - Write about a Hufflepuff character._


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